Step 10 of the 12 Steps for Living Free is Giving. As I
contemplated what giving means, I did some research. I found that giving is
another of those words that have a multitude of definitions and uses. It’s
another single concept that could have an entire book written about it. Perhaps
I may tackle that book as a future project. For the immediate purposes of Step
#10, I’m going to focus on just a few aspects of giving. Focusing some time,
energy and resources on any of these facets of giving will definitively result
in a freer and happier life.
“If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have
little, give of your heart.”
That statement is an old Arab proverb. I define it in very
simple terms. Everyone can be a giver. The rewards of giving are not reserved
for people with financial wealth and material abundance. Unfortunately, some
people give for absolutely the wrong reasons. Giving must be done with a
pureness of heart and intention. You give because you want to help or bestow
some form of joy on another person. You give with no consideration of return or
reward.
In my life I have identified three basic kinds of people.
The first are givers. The second are takers. The third are receivers. A true
giver always gives with no expectation of receiving anything in return. The
taker is a person who, knowingly and purposely, takes something from another
that was not freely offered and has only the taker’s own fulfillment in mind
with little or no consideration for the person who has been exploited. The
receiver is a person who is not specifically seeking anything, but humbly
accepts whatever it is and is joyful in being the recipient of someone’s
generosity. Interestingly, most givers have a difficult time receiving anything
from anyone. They are just not prepared to receive.
However, there is an interesting dynamic that appears to be
pretty universal when it comes to giving and receiving. A giver can never give
more then he or she will ultimately receive. Remember, I said a giver gives
freely, from the heart, in conjunction with the mind. The giver has no conscious intention or desire to receive
anything in return, however, he or she has no choice in this matter. Givers
will virtually always receive more then they give, tangibly and intangibly.
It’s much like the concept of sowing and reaping the harvest. The more you
plant and tend to your garden the more it will reward you in the harvest.
There are many examples of giving. In a Christian religious
context God gave his only son so that all who accepted this sacrifice or gift
will have eternal life. A mother gives birth to a child she carried in her womb
with no expectation of repayment or compensation from the child she bore. A
father gives his child an education so the child has an opportunity for a
successful life. A person hands a homeless person some money or perhaps a
coupon for a free meal. None of these individuals gave with the intention of
any payback, compensation or reward. Yet, each of them, including God, received
fulfillment and joy from freely giving.
Giving requires a pure intention. Because you are fortunate
enough to be wealthy, giving money, cars, expensive clothes and other tangible
stuff seems like the generous thing to give to a spouse or offspring when all
they may have needed and would have preferred to have was some of your time and
attention. In this instance, giving expensive stuff may actually resemble a
bribe or an attempt to reduce your own guilt for withholding time, attention
and love for whatever reason.
Of course, wealth does have its privilege. There are many
stories of wealthy individuals who anonymously give gifts of money or resources
to individuals who can truly benefit from whatever forms the gift may take.
Perhaps it is a deserving young person who could never attend college or a
training school of some kind due to a lack of financial resources. Then, out of
the kindness and consideration of some individual with substantial wealth, this
young person receives a scholarship or grant. Maybe a condition of accepting
the gift is that the recipient must perform some kind of service for a
community or state or country. Another possibility is that the individual has
to pay the grant or scholarship forward to some other deserving individual in
the future. This is a gift that keeps giving.
On the flip side of the coin, you may be from an average or
a poverty level financial circumstance. You can’t afford to shower the subject
of your generosity with anything that costs money. However, you give your time
to the individual or knit or make some new clothes for him or her. You give
what you can, but you do it from the heart. And, whether you like it or not,
you’re going to experience joy, fulfillment, respect and love in return. Again,
you’re not demanding, asking or expecting anything. It just happens. It’s a
form of universal law similar to the law of nature that states as you sow, so
shall you reap. But, your rewards, however they may manifest themselves, often
are greater then what you have given, even though you expected nothing.
Giving to Family
Your family is the first and most obvious object of your
giving. The amazing thing is that what is most desired by the family members is
that which is often withheld for various reasons. Your time, attention, caring
and love are the most valuable gifts you can give to your family. It doesn’t
matter if they are your children, your parents, your siblings, aunts, uncles,
cousins or in-laws. Since time is a priceless commodity, how valuable is the
time you give your child reading to him or her? How about playing a simple game
of catch or taking your children by the hand and walking through a zoo and
teaching them about the animals? How important will he or she feel when you let
him or her help while you’re baking cookies? Just giving each of your
children some of your time and attention is a gift that is priceless.
Unfortunately, in our current world, where both parents
often either must work or choose to have careers, children end up playing
second or third fiddle. You don’t mean for it to be that way, but the demands
of the job too often supercede the needs of the family. So, you place them in
the care of nannies, babysitters, daycare services, after school programs and
grandparents to mention a few. You buy them “things” and “stuff” as a way of
paying penance or bribing them. Since a child’s personality and most basic set
of values are formed during the first seven years of his or her life, what are
you teaching them? When they demand attention, they throw a fit, make a scene
and you give them what they want – more stuff. Their value system begins to
form and they learn that whenever they are not happy or discontent, just get
more stuff. This is never the solution. But, the children don’t know any better
and they, ultimately, pass this learned behavior and value system to their own
spouse and children, and the cycle repeats. Money and what it can buy is used
to substitute for the most valuable gifts of all – time, attention and love.
This same concept holds true for siblings, parents,
grandparents, adult offspring, aunts, uncles and cousins. I see people and
families where they spend massive amounts of time and money seeking expensive
gifts that are just right for the intended recipient. But, ultimately, it’s
just stuff. And, since the stuff is free to the recipient, they tend to place
little value on it. Often we hear stories of children or spouses going into the
closets, drawers, attic and so on, of a close family member who has passed
away. In those storage places they find years of gifts that were given to the
individual that were never worn or used. The gifts may even be tagged with the
name of the person who gave the gift along with the date and occasion it was
received. Ultimately, it was just so much more stuff. The major beneficiaries
of the gifts were the manufacturers, supply chain and the retailers.
Telephone calls, short visits, window shopping, going to a
ball game, taking a ride to a favorite picnic location, a personal note, a gift
of photographs of an event you shared together, a favorite homemade food dish
and so many other simple things that mostly take a little precious time and
show your love and attention are all the kinds of things you can give and make
someone feel loved and important. And, here’s the best part. You’re going to
enjoy doing whatever it is and when you receive a big smile, a hug, perhaps a
few tears or whatever other responses will express the recipient’s pleasure,
you’re going to gain more happiness and joy then you can imagine. The best part
is that you never tire or get used to those feelings of happiness and joy.
The most valuable gift anyone can receive is self-esteem. In
our current society I see parents and grandparents who, unknowingly, are
undermining the newer generation’s self-esteem. While we are human beings and
live, supposedly, civilized lives in societies we have created, at our most
basic core, by nature, we are part of the animal kingdom. There is a natural
course that nature prescribes. One generation creates the next generation. The
older generation ages and passes away. The next generation must now take the
responsibility to create the next generation and like the prior generation they
will age and pass away. This cycle has repeated itself since animal life
appeared on this planet.
However, due to science, medical advances and technology,
it’s not unusual to see four or even five generations alive. Remarkable! But,
there seems to be a trend towards continuing to keep second and even third
generations in the nest. Parents are still supporting 30 and 40 something
offspring (and often their grandkids) who haven’t figured out how to fly on
their own, yet. In the natural scheme of things, you are not helping these
younger generations to become stronger. In fact, it ultimately undermines their
self-esteem, their self-worth and their ability to survive in a difficult and
unfair world. You can’t make this world any easier for them. By carrying their
burden you are weakening them and reducing their natural survival instinct and
abilities.
You simply need to look at your own life at age 18, 20, 24
and realize that you were on your own. Life was tough. It wasn’t a bed of
roses. You learned that life wasn’t fair and you had to carry your own weight.
You learned to survive and are proud of that fact. But, by “supposedly”
making life easier for your offspring, you actually deprive them of a
vitally important necessity of life . . . the natural ability to survive.
Survival requires an ability to deal with adversity, think critically and
apply creativity. Yes! They need your support. But, they need moral support not
fiscal support.
By the time they are young adults you should have taught
them the basic necessities of independence, responsibility, accountability and
survival. Now, just like you, they need to jump out of the nest, flap their
wings and fly. If they fall or fly into a wall, they need to pick themselves
up, dust themselves off and try all over again (and yes, those words are part
of the lyrics from an old song). The longer you are their financial support,
the harder it is for them to make the break. Eventually, this is going to
potentially place you in financial hardship when you need it most. You’re also
going to begin developing a degree of resentment, perhaps, subtle and
underlying, but you’re going to want your own life, after all, you EARNED it.
To see exactly how we have weakened our society you simply need to look at the
welfare programs and the massive number of entitled people who are exploiting
them. We have created a society of “takers.” Give the gift of self-esteem and
self-worth. Enough said.
The happiest families I have witnessed are those who learned
from the earliest age not to give or expect “stuff” (although they all did give
and receive some, in appropriate proportion), but to give and expect time,
attention and love. I see these families gather from far and wide and have more
fun, more laughter and more fulfilling times together then any other families.
Oh, and it doesn’t matter where the family is on the financial curve. Time,
attention and love are priceless and everyone can both give and receive them.
Giving to Friends
Friends are a gift in themselves. As soon as we are old
enough to meet the little boy or girl next door, we begin developing and nurturing
friendships. Friends, often become our family, especially in instances where
the dysfunction in family relationships, unfortunately, drives family members
away from each other. While it may be true that family members may share the
same blood and gene pool, there is no way to know what specific combination of
genes each member of the family will have. Thus, three children born of the
same parents may look amazingly alike; yet have very different predispositions,
abilities, talents, intelligence and so on. Likewise, all the siblings may look
decidedly different from one another yet have very similar predispositions.
And, of course, they may all look very different and have totally different
predispositions. And all, some or none of them may be anything like their
parents. This is an ongoing area of study.
Be that as it may, we have no control over these matters,
though there are those who continue to think by breeding a perfect mother with
a perfect father a perfect child should be the result. Here is where an old
saying still and will always apply. “You can choose your friends, but you can’t
choose your family.” And, it means exactly what it says. You may not like your
parents or your siblings or both for that matter. But, you don’t have any
choice in the matter and that pretty much is true for adoptive family
situations. Friends on the other hand are a different story. You don’t choose
to be friends with people you don’t like or don’t want to be around. You choose
friends because they are complementary. You are drawn together because each of
you provides something in the relationship that makes each friend more and
better because of the connection. You develop levels of trust that you may not
have with your own family members. Developing these friendships is a trial and
error process. From your earliest age you’ll create friends and then you’ll
grow in different directions and you’ll create new friends. By the way, there
is also the great possibility that you’ll create lifelong friendships with your
siblings and your parents, which, of course, is much to be desired.
It is said that some people will come into your life for a
specific reason, while others will remain with you for a season and finally,
others will be with you for a lifetime. I might dare to say that there will be
more who will be with you for a specific reason and then be gone. A lesser
number will be with you for a season. The smallest number will be those who
come into your life for a lifetime. First, each of these people who come into your
life are a gift. Each of you will leave the other with some kind of gift. And
the lifetime friends will continue gifting one another for their entire
lifetime.
What kind of gifts do you give to friends? Of course, there
are the tangible gifts. But, again, this is just so much stuff and its true
value is more about the thought and feelings that caused the gift to be given
then the tangible item itself. The real gifts between friends are the same as I
mentioned earlier; time, attention, support, caring and love. How often has a
friend been there just to listen when you needed someone to listen? How often
has a friend been there lending moral support when you’ve been going through a
rough patch in life. How often has a friend been there when you’ve enjoyed a
trip somewhere and wanted someone to travel with you. The list goes on and on.
And, of course, you have been that friend giving to your friends on the same
level. Perhaps you may agree with me based on your own experiences in life, but
my wealth is not measured in dollars and cents, it’s measured in my
friendships. Friends who “give” to one another are true friends. Friends who
“take” from you are not your friends, though they may deceive you into thinking
you need them, but you don’t. They are leeches. They will use you until you
either can no longer supply them with what they want, you deny them or a better
“host” appears on the scene.
Giving
to Community
First, let’s define community since this can be interpreted
on a very broad base. Community, by my definition is the country, state,
county, city, town, village or neighborhood you live in. It is one or more
organizations and institutions within any of these jurisdictions that provide
uplifting to the jurisdiction at large or any segment of it. It can be a
homeless individual. It can be a family that has lost its primary income
source. It can be an animal or nature conservancy. You can make this list as
long as you desire. I would suggest, however, that with living free mentality,
it probably wouldn’t necessarily be large, high profile charitable
organizations.
Giving to community should be something you feel at your
very core. I stated before, givers don’t give with expectations of anything in
return. However, while the work of large, charitable organizations, religious
organizations and other similar organizations does benefit society in general,
these organizations involve a lot of bureaucracy and have very significant
operating expenses and much of the money and resources that go to them is used
to feed the bureaucracy and defray the operating expenses. When you have chosen
to live free you are typically avoiding these kinds of involvements and
organizations. There is something very special about knowing in your heart that
something you did today is going to put a pair of shoes on a specific child or
know that a specific person will get to their chemotherapy appointment today or
people you know (not necessarily by name or acquaintance) will laugh or cry
tonight at a theatrical performance or musical event and the list goes on.
Giving to community doesn’t mean giving money, either. My
most valuable, actually, priceless, commodity is my time. Perhaps you consider
your time priceless, too. So, most of the time, I feel that if I can “tithe” my
time, I’m giving something that is worth far more then some pieces of paper
with some colored ink on them. But, there are plenty of others who will gladly
give colored pieces of paper so they don’t have to commit their time. So, if
that’s what works for them, so be it. I’ll provide time.
I’m also a strong believer in “paying it forward.” There was
a movie a number of years ago titled Pay It Forward that exemplified
this concept. While the movie, starring Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt and others
didn’t receive glowing reviews; it does plant the seeds of an idea. Another
movie made for TV was produced from a true story of a young boy in the
Philadelphia suburbs who found a way of receiving donations of blankets (that
was the main item I remember) and going to the inner city every weekend with
his parents to pass out the blankets to homeless people during the cold winter
months. I only mention these two movies to suggest the kinds of things one can
consider when giving to his or her community. Certainly, your knowledge of your
own area and your creativity can generate many ideas like these.
The bottom line is that giving to your community, however
large or small you define it, is another way to gain the joy and happiness of
giving without expectation of return.
What About The Taker?
There will always be takers in this world. I only admonish
you to beware. Takers will use any disguise they need to use to take what they
want from whomever they choose. Learn to recognize takers. It’s actually pretty
easy. Anytime you find yourself in a relationship with someone and you don’t
feel that you’re gaining anything positive or you find that you’re the only one
contributing, then it’s a pretty sure bet you’re being exploited by a taker.
Takers don’t necessarily take money or resources. They can also drain you
intellectually and emotionally.
DO NOT be concerned about hurting the taker’s feelings.
That’s a ploy they use very effectively and it’s called “guilt.” Believe me,
the only feelings you’re going to hurt are those of your true friends who watch
you being taken down the primrose path. That taker will find a new host before
you’ve had a chance to even think about what just transpired. And here’s
another tip. Don’t be surprised at who may be a taker. They are often much
closer then you’d imagine. The result of this kind of relationship is that they
gain what they want and you’re left drained.
Who Are Receivers?
Receivers are another kind of person entirely. Receivers are
those who do not exploit anyone for anything. However, they do know how to
graciously receive gifts when they are offered. These people may be those who
are down on their luck and truly appreciate when someone gives them something
that will make the receiver’s life better. But, a receiver may also be someone
who is very well to do financially, intellectually and emotionally. When
someone finds a way to give something beneficial to a receiver who is fortunate
enough to have some prosperity, the receiver will be just as gracious, humble
and appreciative as a hungry homeless person. Receivers are the people you want
to be giving to. Most often, they will have a need that you are able to help
them with, even the prosperous receivers. And, whether your giving is anonymous
or not, you’ll know that your effort will be appreciated.
Here’s the interesting circumstance I mentioned earlier.
Givers usually have a very difficult time receiving. Givers are so accustomed
to giving and not expecting anything that when someone gifts the giver, he or
she doesn’t know how to accept it.
You, as a giver, need to be a grateful and gracious receiver.
There is an art to receiving. As a giver, at
various times during your lifetime, you will be recognized for your generosity.
You will be given awards. You may receive various kinds of gifts in
appreciation of all that you have done in giving to others to make their lives
better. These gifts are given to you from the hearts of those who are
recognizing you. You should not feel any guilt or embarrassment.
Remember, I
said that no matter how much you give, you would always receive more in return
then you can imagine. Most of what you’ll receive will be in the form of
personal joy, happiness, fulfillment and peace of mind. However, people will
recognize your contributions and want to give you these tokens of appreciation
for your selflessness.
Also, there may come a time in your own life, after giving freely and lovingly to others where you may find yourself in a position of needing something. Other givers will want to be there for you. Learn how to humbly and graciously accept the gifts and
be truly appreciative. You deserve it.
Being a true giver, learning to graciously receive from
other givers and avoiding the takers and being taken for granted will result in
rewards you can’t imagine. But, the main reward will be the freedom, happiness,
well-being and contentment you’ll ultimately enjoy.
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