Last
night something inspired me to think about what I call "Pivotal
People" and "Pivotal Moments" (in time). Pivotal people are
those who have passed through our lives and caused them to change forever, for
better or for worse. Pivotal moments are those completely unexpected and
unplanned events that occurred at some point during our lives and, once again,
irreversibly changed our lives forever.
Every
human on the planet has pivotal people and pivotal moments throughout our
lives. It's not unique or unusual. However, each of the pivotal people and the
pivotal moments had a unique and, usually, life changing impact on who we
became. In many ways I like to classify these people and moments as
serendipities, though serendipities are usually defined as happy accidents,
pleasant surprises or fortunate mistakes. Unfortunately, not all pivotal people
and pivotal moments are positive. Some are very unfortunate and often take our
lives down very negative and painful paths.
Pivotal
People
A
pivotal person is someone, usually other than a close family member or close
friend who is with you for your (or their) entire lives or for extended parts
of our lives. For example, our parents, siblings, grandparents, close aunts,
uncles and cousins are part of your life until one or the other dies. A spouse
may or may not be around a lifetime. Friends on the other hand may be an
important part of your life for a brief or a long-term or, as we may call some
friends "life-long friends."
Most
of us have reasonably close family ties, although, as is the case of my family,
both of my parents are deceased and my two sisters (both younger than I am) are
not close at all. I have no living grandparents and no close tie with my one
living aunt, I have no living uncles and I'm not close or in contact with any
of my cousins except a second cousin who is about ten years older than me. I
know other families where there are still living parents; in some cases living
grandparents and the siblings are close as are some aunts, uncles and cousins.
A family gathering is usually a major event for these families and they all
look forward to being together.
Friends,
on the other hand, are found in a variety of situations. Some of us have
friends we met as children, may have attended elementary, junior high/middle or
high school with or all three. In my case, I have one friend from junior high
and high school I've kept in contact with. Through social media, like Facebook,
I have reconnected with a number of friends going back to elementary through
high school, however, I have not developed close relationships with any of
them. College, advanced degrees or professional/occupational training is also a
place where some long-term friendships are formed. Again, in my case, I have
about three friends from college and two or three from graduate school that I
maintain relationships with. I have four friends from my Air Force days. There
are even fewer I've kept connections with from the hundred or so employees who
have worked for my various businesses.
I,
of course, have continually developed many more friendships throughout my
lifetime who were professional colleagues, competitors, clients and suppliers.
I also have friends from community activities and social groups I've belonged
to over the years for various reasons. I've had two wives and one eight-year
relationship; however, I'm only in contact and friends with my first wife (my
son's mother) who I shared about 20 years of my life with. You likely have a
combination of many of these kinds of friends that you've made throughout your
life from these and other kinds of connections.
Some
of these people may have been pivotal in some ways during your lifetime, but
the relationships were unlikely to be considered life changing (other than your
spouse). The pivotal people in your lives are those who came from a variety of
external places in the grand scheme of things and made an impact, usually of
some greater influence in the direction your life took from that point forward.
For
example, our family doctor was a pivotal person in my life. He knew me from the
time I was born. Back in the 40's, 50's and 60's, family doctors had much
closer, personal relationships with their patient families. Dr. Sheft knew of
my interest in ham radio and audio-visual things and connected me with his
cousin, Ted Sheft, the co-director of the Audio-Visual Center at Montclair
State College. Ted, upon his cousin's endorsement, greased the rails for my
acceptance at Montclair State College. He introduced me to all forms of
audio-visual media (of the day) and sparked my interest in sound, audio
engineering and recording. He was my muse into the recording industry and a
career I've loved and enjoyed for 50 years.
Both
Dr. Sheft and his cousin, Ted Sheft, were two major pivotal people in my life.
They had the insight and vision to introduce me to my future. During this same
period of my youth, there was a science teacher from the next town over from
where we both lived, Jack Nixon. Jack was an amateur radio operator, W2IMG
(I'll never forget his call sign). He was the first ham radio operator I met
and he mentored me (or was my Elmer, in ham radio language), administered my
first two ham radio license exams and got me started in a hobby that was the precursor
to my recording career. I was 13 years old. I still maintain my original call
sign 54 years later. A big thanks to the late Jack Nixon.
I
just gave you three examples of pivotal people from my life. There was also
Major Jack Oswald who got me the exact right job in Washington, DC in the Air
Force. There was Tom Hanson, a young, but impressive and very successful Amway
distributor who introduced me to other opportunities. There was Al Wertheimer,
vice president of a family owned radio station network in New York State who
gave me a major contract over several much larger and better equipped recording
businesses and gave me advice I've never stopped using. The list goes on. But,
probably doesn't exceed a dozen people or so. Unfortunately, some of the pivotal
people got me into situations that were not in my best interest at the time. I
paid a large price for painful, yet, valuable experiences.
Pivotal
people impacted a variety of irreversible changes in my life and your life. You
and I are the people we are today because of these pivotal people. The amazing
thing is that they may have only been part of your life for a very brief time
and impacted you with just a few sage words of wisdom. For example, Al
Wertheimer was the major influence, with only one "either/or"
statement at a lunch meeting we had, in me putting aside any plans of working
for someone else on a full-time basis and becoming a life-long entrepreneur.
Jack Oswald opened the doors to my brief Air Force career the first time we met,
in a civilian situation, interestingly, again, with a single statement. Other
people have been or were (some are now deceased) influences on me for decades
that we have remained friends, colleagues, vendor/client relationships and so
on.
Think
about this yourself. Go back to your earliest memories and recall all the
people who made an impression on you. The ones you remember the most, even
though you may have only had a limited or brief relationship, are likely the
ones who are your pivotal people. You can go back and thank each of them for
who you became, even if they were the cause of some pain or failure in your
life. You became the better person for it and it was something you had to
experience to reach the place you are today.
Pivotal
Moments
Pivotal
moments are somewhat different than pivotal people, although they often include
people in the event that occurred during the pivotal moment. A pivotal moment
can be and usually is something of dramatic, drastic, traumatic, tragic,
elevating, pleasurable, rewarding, life-threatening or similar kinds of events.
For example, a pivotal moment might be an automobile accident, the loss of a
job, being robbed or mugged or in a hostage situation. If you are a military
member, a contractor or a member of the press in a combat zone it could be a
bullet, an I.E.D., a mortar shell, seeing the person next to you, possibly a
close buddy, killed in action or even being the victim of friendly fire. It
could be the tragic loss of a spouse, child, sibling or parent from disease, accident
or senseless act of violence. Perhaps it's a vacation to a special place or
participating in something new you've never tried before. Maybe it's the chance
meeting of a group or being introduced to a lifestyle you had never known about
or considered before. The list of possible pivotal moments goes on and on. The
positive, often creative moments, we often refer to as "Aha Moments,"
where you are instantly enlightened by something. Maybe you created a YouTube
video, wrote a blog post, put something on Facebook, wrote a letter to the
editor and so on and it went viral and opened new doors you never thought about
or even knew existed. You have had lots of pivotal moments in your life and,
once again, they have all led you to who and where you are today.
Examples
of some pivotal moments in my life include the day my father took his own life
at age 42. Yes! Obviously it involved my father, a person, but it was his act
that changed my life irreversibly the instant he stopped existing. I was 21 at
the time and getting close to graduating from college. I was just, finally,
getting to understand what a great, intelligent, capable, caring person my
father was and how much of a role model he was to me. And then, in an instant,
life was different. My family disintegrated that day and I never lived with my
family again and we began growing more and more distant. Sometimes events like
these pull families together. Other times they tear them apart. My experience
was the latter. However, I was fortunate to have lots of friends from college
and a few from high school, at the time, and they rallied around me. It was
then that I realized my strength in the future would be whom I had as my close
friends. My friends became my family and it remains that way today.
Another
pivotal moment was when a woman I was in a long-term relationship with
developed a near fatal case of lymphoma. Sure, I had seen and known people with
cancer before and I new several who succumbed to it. But, this time it was
personal. I shouldered the responsibility of being her 24/7 caregiver. I
learned things the doctors, rehab professionals and others taught me about
taking care of a completely non-ambulatory, 140 pounds of human being in
constant excruciating pain and undergoing all kinds of major and, often scary,
treatments and procedures. I saw this woman go from being unable to do anything
for herself and, literally, being days from death, to walking up the stairs in
our home for the first time in almost a year and then getting into a car and
driving that car a year after she couldn't drive any longer and believed she'd
never drive again.
There
were numerous pivotal moments during this entire ordeal. And possibly the worst
part of the ordeal for me was after she was back on her feet. Due to the massive
drugs, she had no idea of all I had done for her physically, caring for her,
going for days on end with less than an hour of sleep per day, taking care of
her personal finances and affairs while still attempting to keep two businesses
going and keeping a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs and the utilities
paid, negotiating down three-quarters of her humongous medical bills (she
didn't have health insurance), getting her onto Social Security Disability and
Medicare and more things than I care to list here. But, I then became the focus
of all her blame, bitterness and distrust. Ultimately, a little over a year
after she was able to drive again we parted ways at my initiation in order to
preserve and protect my own health. Less than two years later I was diagnosed
with my own cancer. She was not my caregiver.
Still
another pivotal moment was when I realized that the long-term lease was coming
due on the small ranch I had been living and running my recording and
book-publishing businesses from. I had been there for almost six years at that
time. I had to make a decision, renew the lease, move somewhere else or make
the drastic change to living a lifestyle of freedom and living free. This
wasn't a new concept for me. It was something I dreamed about while I was in
college and graduate school and I was partially living after graduate school.
But, Uncle Sam, Vietnam and the U.S. Air Force all merged in the form of a
draft notice during the spring of 1969. That was, yet, another pivotal moment.
My life changed irreversibly by that letter in a government envelope. So, here
it was, 39 years later, and I had to make another major life decision. Pivotal
moment number one was making the decision to make the major lifestyle change to
give up the ranch and a stationary lifestyle for one of living free and a
nomadic lifestyle. Pivotal moment number two was the day I actually drove off
the property for the last time and started a completely new lifestyle on
November 1, 2008.
Each
of these pivotal moments that you've had and I've had, regardless of whether it
was a negative event or positive event, has changed our lives irreversibly and
been part of the path that brought us each to where we are today. Of course,
there have been many more pivotal moments in my life including divorces,
business failures, dealing with illnesses, accidents, aha's and moments that
elevated me to heights I never imagined. All of these are stored away in our
"treasure chest or our life" and make us the unique, highly qualified
individuals we have each become at "Life." I'm sure there are things
that are so painful to you that you really don't want to recall them. And, yet,
I know, for sure in my own case, and I'm sure in yours, too, that without all
these painful pivotal moments you would be a much weaker, less capable and
certainly unprepared person than you are. Relish them, good and bad,
pleasurable and painful. They are the sum total of who we are.
Pivotal
People, Pivotal Moments and Living Free
Living
free isn't about adopting any specific lifestyle. It's about adapting to
whatever you want your life to be. It doesn't matter to me nor should it matter
to anyone else what choices you make for your life. It's your life and you're
the boss of it. If you choose to live in a nice middle-class home surrounded by
all the "stuff" that you feel is important to you and you're willing
to pay the price (financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually) to
enjoy that lifestyle, it's a reflection and adaptation of every pivotal person
and pivotal moment over your lifetime. Perhaps, you want to eliminate most of
the trappings of a consumer/materialistic lifestyle and simplify to have the
least stuff (only the essentials and necessities as you define them) and take
up the least amount of space you feel you need. Maybe you have nomadic
tendencies and want to get rid of everything and simply carry what you need in
a backpack or the back of a small SUV or car or maybe a van or utility trailer
you "trick out" for yourself. Maybe you need a bit more space and are
willing to accept the somewhat higher maintenance of a larger motorhome or
trailer of some kind and size. These are all your choices and your next pivotal
moment to that lifestyle may be just around the corner.
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